The Half Hour News Hour
The 1/2 Hour News Hour is an all-American television show to glorify The Baby Jesus and everything He stands for. FOX has tentatively scheduled it to air on two Saturdays in January, 2007. It will be picked up forever if there is enough interest. Allegedly AOL-Time Warner owns the phrase "This Just In" forcing Rupert Murdoch to have to pay someone to come up with a different name or pay lawyers to do copyright research. Not so much pay, as in pay the going rate or at the very least, pay minimum wage. FOX has chosen to officially name the program The 1/2 Hour News Hour. No outside parties influenced this decision whatsoever. Possible Hosts FOX provided these two picture frames (with pictures included) to each member of the press for their story about The 1/2 Hour News Hour until non-focus-group-vetted hosts can be hired from the list below... * Stephen Colbert * Tony Snow or his assistant * Armstrong Williams * John Cho * Rosie O'Donnell * Tommy Chong * MC Rove * Miss Piggy * Kal Penn * Carlos Mencia * Dane Cook * Broken Lizard * Glenn Beck * Dennis Miller (made a cameo in a 3:00 segment called "The Buck Stops Here"!) Premire The expectations were so high for the show that no one could have imagined the astronomical numbers it turned in. The Nielson overnight numbers didn't need to be parsed; 50 billion people world-wide tuned in to view the first showing. The executives at FOX were so impressed by the numbers that they ordered 500 times the number of new shows than Comedy Central [http://pro.imdb.com/title/tt0821375/news ordered for The Sarah Silverman Program] (which is about a girl, and shows about girls never get numbers like FOX shows do) thus showing to the world and everyone in it how committed they are to the "HHNH" franchise! Church groups are planning protests and boycotts against local affiliates and sponsors if FOX does not create a channel specifically for the airing of the show, repeating the show and other shows that talk about HHNH. Other Episodes The cast have their timing down pat! # show starts on time # flashy graphics move quicker # paid audience shows off good posture, clean American values, applauds # Male Host reads set-up joke stolen from in the style of The Daily Show # director changes pictures quicker # Female Host reads set-up joke stolen from in the style of The Colbert Report # audio man rolls laugh track bought at Conan O'Brien's yard sale Show Ideas * Barack Hussein Obama supporters are all from Africa * John Edwards hair jokes * Monica Lewisnky and Bill Clinton sketches * Hillary Clinton has fat ankles jokes * John Kerry hates our troops jokes * Howard Dean screams a lot * Cindy Sheehan/abortion jokes * Barbra Streisand, Michael Moore, and miscellaneous Hollywood liberal jokes * Dixie Chicks love Saddam Hussein jokes * (Miscellaneous Liberal to Be Named) is lame/fucked up a line on Jay Leno/has goofy hair/disagreed with Jesus Upcoming Guests * Please see: Regnery Sample Jokes * Rush Limbaugh is President * Ann Coulter is Vice President * Nancy Pelosi has the phone number of the White House * calling a half hour of television an hour * using a laugh track on a news channel Sister Programming * FBN, an entire network dedicated to comedy in the most unexpected places! Finally, an FCC that understands what a market is for!! Canceled After an astonishing run of twice the average British television show, producers decided to end the show on a high note and announced that a swan song will air on September 16th. No plans were announced as to when it will return and under what name. Reformulated? Just as soon as THHNH was canceled, New Hollywood took up the slack and introduced America to [http://imdb.com/title/tt0950721/ Back to You], starring everyone's favorite future California Senator, Kelsey Grammer and America's Sweetheart, Patricia Heaton. Good to see the both of you back on TV. Talent like yours shouldn't go unrewarded! You have earned deserve it!